Drowning in Shallow Water
A Note from Carol:
One of the most fulfilling aspects of my ministry is the privilege of partnering with others who have dedicated their lives to proclaiming the hope and truth found in God’s Word. I believe we are in a season where God is amplifying the voices of those uniquely called to inspire, encourage, and equip the Church.
Today, I’m thrilled to introduce you to Chanel Dokun. She is not only a gifted life coach but also a passionate advocate for helping women discover their purpose and build fulfilling lives. With her expertise in personal growth and her deep understanding of God’s Word, Chanel combines practical wisdom with spiritual truth in a way that feels both empowering and transformative.
It is an honor to share my platform with her, and I know you will be deeply blessed by her insights.
Meet Chanel Dokun
She is an author, life coach, and relationship expert specializing in helping women discover their life purpose and build fulfilling lives. Chanel is also the author of "Life Starts Now: How to Create the Life You've Been Waiting For," which outlines her transformational coaching approach.
Can we talk about how miserable you are? I mean, not outwardly or anything. By all appearances you’re doing fine. You’ve put on pants today for goodness’ sake, and your hair looks fantastic. Let’s not be dramatic.
You’re miserable not in an I can’t get out of bed sort of way (okay, sometimes that), but in the way a toddler is two tears from a tantrum after taking the first sip of sugar-free apple juice. You have a sneaking suspicion something is off, and you’d like to speak to the manager. Where is the sugar? Where is the blast of joy? God, a little help please...
You’ve probably been miserable for a while. You didn’t notice at first. School kept you busy – term papers, gossip, and making out in back seats occupied your attention. Or maybe that was just me. Later the freedom of early adulthood served as an appropriate distraction from the angst. I mean, IKEA furniture doesn’t assemble itself. Who has time for a breakdown when an EXPEDIT shelving unit needs to be built?
But as you rounded 30, settled on your career path, and dabbled in romances, the misery started to edge out the illusion of joy. You’ve had heartbreaks, deaths, disappointments, and betrayals. You were hired and then quit and then fired for no good reason. Someone lied about you. A good friend forgot to send you a party invitation. A reality TV star was elected president. It might feel as though you are headed toward a midlife crisis, running into greater uncertainty.
But, here’s the good news.
You are not alone. Everyone around you is probably a little miserable too.
They, like you, are good at hiding it. They obscure their misery behind filtered Instagram pictures of exotic vacations, luxurious dinner parties, and “kids say the darndest things” photos of their children. But inside, they are suffocating. I know this, not from conjecture or wishful thinking. I know because they tell me.
For nearly a decade I’ve used my training as a therapist and a life planner to guide women out of confusion and into clarity so they can live centered in their unique life purpose. For years, women have come into my office and after consent forms are signed, promises of therapist confidentiality are made, and purses are heaped on tables, they begin to remove the veneer.
They all cry. Gently at first, still holding it together. But soon even that effort feels beyond them and they crumple into a puddle of regret, disillusionment, and despair right before my eyes.
I don’t speak at first. Not even to offer tissues. Maybe it’s the New Yorker in me, but I feel we should all have a little more license to ugly cry in public. I wait. I hold on to their pain in silence, honoring the sacredness of their self-revelation. Sometimes that moment alone means everything--to be able to sit in sadness, free to admit without judgment how unhappy they feel. Empathy can be a life vest for a woman who is drowning.
So let me throw a life vest your way as well. If you feel like you’re drowning, you truly are not alone. You’re not the only one who hasn’t figured out how to make life work. I know you feel insane at times but know that you’re not crazy. It makes sense that you feel the way you do. All that emotion--the sadness and disappointment, the fear and anxiety--is a warning sign. Emotions are like shots fired in the dark to let us know it’s time to pay attention because something important is happening. Stop judging yourself and notice what you’re feeling. What might your emotions be trying to tell you?
For my clients there seems to be a common message. Their emotions illuminate the misalignment of their lives. We find that the lives they are living publicly are costing them something in private. In some cases the price is self-respect. For others, it is time, relationships, or energy. But for everyone, chasing the good life means a loss of identity. They are increasingly disconnected from their core selves. And their emotions scream, “I can’t afford to live this way anymore!”
So after acknowledging the discontent, we spend our time together trying to figure out what is at the root of the problem. If everything looks so great on the outside, but inside my clients are drowning, what is going wrong? To get to the bottom of it, I need to get into each woman’s mindset to understand her anxieties, put language to her experience, and pull her head above water.
Do you know what it feels like to drown in shallow water? You know intuitively what I’m talking about. You know what it feels like to live in a perpetual state of trying to keep your head above the surface. From the outside everyone thinks you’ve got it together, but inside you feel like you’re missing out on your own life. No matter how much effort you put out, the good life never seems to deliver on its promises. Sound familiar?
You try harder. Maybe a new career would shake things up for you. More money to buy more stuff to scratch that itch of insignificance. A bigger house might do the trick or that beauty routine a twenty-year-old influencer posted on YouTube. Perhaps a new look could unlock your whole life’s fulfillment. You suspect that’s not true. So you go to church in search of something deeper. The service is a weekly reprieve from the misery of your regular life rhythm. But the Sunday night blues are real. Before the worship songs have left your lips you’re already imagining how the perfect eyebrow arch or losing that last five pounds could fast-track your path to transcendence. Or so you think.
And so you strive.
And push.
And fight.
And it’s all so exhausting. Most days, despite all the good and glorious moments, life feels most like treading water.
I wrote Life Starts Now for women who are drowning. Or at least who feel like they are drowning when everything on the outside looks like it should be going swimmingly well.
The secret to stop drowning in shallow water, is to stand up fully and breathe. By that I mean to stand fully in the truth of who God has created you to be, face your life for what it is, and there you will find joy. This takes courage because it is far easier to live someone else’s version of the good life than to live your own.
I find living to be like learning most anything. We first mimic what we see--elementary school children tracing letters on a page. But eventually we have to abandon the template if we want to write our own story. I call this having the courage to be nobody. It’s choosing to live against a blank slate where you write your life to be unlike anyone else’s. It’s paradoxical, as most of the great truths are. We become more by choosing to be nothing we’ve seen.
Continue reading by grabbing your copy of Life Starts Now: How to Create the Life You’ve Been Waiting For by Chanel Dokun.
Raising Your Downcast Soul with Chanel Dokun
Welcome back to the Significant Women Podcast with Carol McLeod! In a continuation of our series on the topic of depression, today’s episode features an encouraging talk with return guest Chanel Dokun. Chanel is an author, life coach, and the Co-Founder of Healthy Minds NYC, a thriving group therapy practice in Manhattan. Listen in to hear Chanel share from personal experience, professional expertise, and biblical wisdom!
Order Chanel’s Book ‘Life Starts Now: How to Create the Life You’ve Been Waiting For’ at https://amzn.to/3PGc7BF
What if you had permission to stop striving and start thriving? Join Certified Life Planner and Relationship Expert Chanel Dokun as she gives you the tools you need to find profound joy and fulfillment in building a new life rooted in your unique purpose.
Using practical strategies, anecdotes from her work coaching women around the country, and therapeutic examination, Chanel Dokun teaches women how to create the life they've been waiting for, sharing:
An in-depth look at why society's definition of significance isn't the answer in our search for more
The hidden reason why we're discontent
Practical action steps to unlock our genius, find our flair, and discover our unique life purpose
The five postures of silence, solitude, generosity, gratitude, and play that can help us move from striving to thriving
Life Starts Now shows us that when we release the search for significance and recover a redemptive view of an ordinary life, we can experience profound joy and fulfillment--and embrace the wild wonder of the lives we've been given.