I Choose Joy - Joy Barker
I Choose Joy
- Joy Barker
I Fought for Joy
Ever since I was a little girl, I just wanted to be married and have a family. I wanted this for all the same reasons as other little girls – a beautiful wedding dress, having a refrigerator covered with finger paintings and cooking nightly dinners for my husband (I’ve since given up on this dream - HA!). But, do you want to know my secret for wanting a husband and family? I’ve always wanted to send out the PERFECT annual Christmas card to our family and friends. Pictures of family vacations and updates of our (obviously) beautiful and accomplished children - maybe even a puppy with a big red bow around his neck under the Christmas tree - all on the perfect red and black buffalo plaid card with gold foil lettering. Pride? Me?
I married my college sweetheart at 24 and used our wedding picture for our first Christmas card as a married couple. The perfect start to what I knew would be a childhood dream coming true – the annual picture-perfect Christmas card.
It all came to a screeching halt the summer of our first anniversary. I remember sitting in the fertility doctor’s office and angrily screaming in my mind, “NOT ME. NOT US.” As we walked through the hallway toward the exit, we passed a bulletin board of those very Christmas cards I dreamed of: ones with pictures of newborn babies from successful fertility treatments accompanied by notes of thanksgiving to the fertility doctor. But he essentially told us that we would never have a card on that bulletin board. We drove home in silence with tear stained faces and paperwork of two infertility diagnoses: one for me and one for my husband. The ever-optimistic doctor (major eye roll) didn’t give us options of hope, but rather a list of treatments that wouldn’t ever work for our situation.
I’ve often felt a step behind. Not because I wanted to be, but it just seemed to me that God handed good things to everyone else before me. Competitive? Me? I was a bridesmaid in 10 weddings before I was a bride (and then 5 more since as a matron! 15 dresses: Katherine Heigl, I’m coming for ya!). My friends had their first wave of babies without me. And then their second wave. Sure, I chose to celebrate and focus on their happy moments rather than mope about mine. But I was still deeply grieving. None of my friends lorded it over me, but instead did their best to be sensitive to my unanswered prayers and stand in faith alongside me. I pray you have friends like mine. It was in those moments of celebrating my loved ones instead of focusing on myself that I found true joy. Here’s why: celebrating others is obedience to God (Romans 12:15). So, when I celebrated my friends’ weddings and babies, my obedience landed me in the presence of God – which is where the fullness of joy is found (Psalm 16:11). Pretty great math, huh?!
It took everything in me to have a “joy life” during our 5 years of infertility. In fact, I often failed. And my name is LITERALLY Joy. It took an army of people surrounding me and the Holy Spirit Himself to encourage me and guide me back to a place of faith day after day. Joy doesn’t just fall into your lap. During those five years, I had to fight for joy. When our fostering process fell through, I fought for joy. When our adoption attempt fell through, I fought for joy. When our 5+ rounds of fertility treatments failed, I fought for joy. Here’s how I fought for joy: I read my Bible. So simple! I listened to worship music. So easy! My husband prayed over me. Thank You, Jesus, for a husband who prays over me. Even if you don’t have a husband who prays for you, I bet you have a mom who does. Or a grandmother. Or a friend. And if not, you have me praying for you.
I thought it would be a picture-perfect Christmas card that gave me a joy life. But year after year I sent out yet another Christmas card with only 2 people on the cover – me and my husband, both with empty arms. I thought by now our arms would be filled with 3 or 4 little Barkers. Did it bring me grief to send out what I thought to be an incomplete card each year? Not really. I found that it was much easier to be thankful for what God did give me rather than focus on what He hadn’t yet. That’s a true joy life. I slowly but surely learned the difficult lesson of thankfulness. Because it seems to me that it’s only when you solemnly recognize the prayers that haven’t been answered that you can truly be thankful for the ones that have been. I learned to be grateful for our vehicles, as it was the first time in my life I could rely on one. I learned to appreciate our beautiful home, as there are people around the world who don’t have one. I learned to be truly thankful for my husband, as I have many friends who are still waiting for their husbands.
Which, by the way… if you’re a godly, stable man looking for a wife and reading this, please let us know. We can help you find a joy-filled life this holiday season with one of the several available bachelorettes we know!
Okay, getting back on track. A few years into marriage, my husband decided to go back to school to pursue a medical degree. I’m so proud of him. He took the MCAT and was accepted to the University of Oklahoma, so we packed up and moved to Oklahoma City. We thought maybe OKC doctors would have new ideas for us to get pregnant. But yet again, nothing worked.
Until one day when we met our children’s parents.
Confused? Let me explain. An amazing couple from our new OKC church went through their own infertility journey ten years and three children ago. During their IVF process, they accumulated 9 additional embryos that they froze and saved. I cry just thinking about it. After a long and intricate embryo adoption process, those 9 embryos became ours. We were an answer to this amazing couple’s prayer, as they knew they were done growing their family yet had these remaining little lives. They gifted us with the embryos - these little lives that have purpose and destiny, divinely created by our God.
After this long yet unfinished story, I finally became pregnant with our first precious embryo in June 2020. I’m so sorry if 2020 has been difficult for you, as I know it has been for many. For me, it has brought me a new joy life. This year, our Christmas card will have 3 people on it: my husband, myself, and our precious little girl growing inside of me (okay, it will also have our new puppy… probably with a big red bow around his neck under the Christmas tree). I’ve learned that it isn’t a picture-perfect Christmas card that brings me true joy, but Jesus’ love and presence in my life.
P.S. I’m also really thankful that our Christmas card this year will reflect the joy life He has given us… with or without the gold foil lettering.