Joy in Family Life — June
Joy in Family Life — June
Becky Harling
Watching Your Non-Verbal Communication To Give Your Child a Heart of Joy
Nonverbal communication includes facial expressions, eye contact, hand gestures, tone of voice, and even the physical space between the people communicating. According to some experts, “Nonverbal communication makes up between 60 and 75% of the impact of a message.”Think about that. You can choose your words carefully but send a completely different message with your facial expressions or hand gestures. A friend once told me that when they think of their mother, who has long since passed away, they picture her with angry eyes and a scolding finger. I can just imagine that, can’t you? The writer of Proverbs taught, “Fools show their annoyance at once” (Proverbs 12:16).
In light of how important our nonverbals are, we need to consider how we’re coming across to our kids and ask God for wisdom. Think about how you want to be remembered as a parent. Do you want your kids to remember all the scolding moments or the happy, joy-filled memories?
Do you want them to remember being held or being slapped? What type of signals are you sending your child? Those questions will impact your nonverbal communication.
I remember a time when one of our daughters thought I was angry. Actually, I wasn’t angry at all! I had a lot on my mind, so my brow was furrowed. The next morning, I practiced in front of the mirror to see what types of faces I made. I began to ask my kids, “What makes you think I’m angry? What does my face look like?” Their feedback was helpful because I had no idea how I was coming across. The psalmist wisely wrote, “Who can discern their own errors? Forgive my hidden faults” (Psalm 19:12).
Let’s consider how we come across and some specific techniques we can practice so that our kids feel invited to share their hearts.
Often the only time parents insist their kids look them in the eyes is when their children are in trouble. The authors of The Connected Child say, “Eye contact goes a long way in cementing the parent-child connection.” Eyes that light up and say you’re excited to see a person not only help establish a secure bond but also build the child’s ability to experience joy. Ac- cording to a book about the Life Model, “We now know that a ‘joy center’ exists in the right orbital prefrontal cortex of the brain. . . . When the joy center has been sufficiently developed, it regulates emotions, pain control and immunity centers.” The authors explain that “in a child’s first two years, the desire to experience joy in loving relationships is the most powerful force in life. In fact, some neurologists now say that the basic human need is to be the ‘sparkle in someone’s eyes.’” The joy center allows the child to return to joy, even as an adult, when life is hard or he experiences trauma.
Today’s parent is often busy and distracted. All too often parents can go days without any meaningful eye contact with their children. This is a mistake. Prolonged eye contact during conversations helps a person feel loved and bonded. Eyes that sparkle and light up help strengthen a child’s joy center. When you lovingly look into your child’s eyes when she’s sharing her thoughts, you help your child feel loved, valued, and connected to you.
Even if you’re not all that distracted, you may be unintentionally using eye contact to correct your kids. Remember those looks your mom gave you when you
were a kid? She would call you using your full name and a scolding tone,
stand with her hands on her hips, and give you the “evil eye” to get you to settle down and behave. And who could blame our moms? We’ve probably all given our kids disapproving looks from time to time. But if you want your kids to talk to you, “the evil eye” has to go.
Use your eyes for connecting rather than for correcting. When you look your child in the eye—even if you are correcting— try to look at her with love, not disapproval. When your child wakes up or comes home from school, make it your goal to look at them with excited, joy-filled eyes that say, “I’m happy to see you!”
But your eyes aren’t your only important nonverbal tool.
Cuddling and snuggling your child, especially in the first three months of life, is extremely important for bonding. Some in the medical world consider the first three months of an infant’s life to be the “fourth trimester.” When a baby is cuddled lots in those first three months, he feels secure and safe adjusting to his new world. All the snuggling helps the child bond with you and form a healthy attachment that will allow him to develop confidence, individualization, and other important, healthy emotional skills.
A nurse at Children’s Hospital Los Angeles lists some of the benefits of cuddling for babies and children:
Creating a healthy sense of personal boundaries
Encouraging calmness and relaxation
Improving muscle tone and circulation
Improving pulmonary and immune functions
Improving sleep patterns
Lowering anxiety and stress
Reducing discomfort from teething, congestion, colic and emotional stress
Strengthening digestive, circulatory and gastrointestinal systems
Children who are cuddled often grow up more confident than those who aren’t. Some may advise you that holding children too much spoils them. That’s nonsense. Appropriate, safe affection helps children form healthy attachment. Think about Jesus. He held children on His lap, He blessed them, and He touched them, saying, “Let the little children come to Me and do not forbid them” (Matthew 19:14 nkjv).
As you begin each morning, remember that God loves you and He smiles at you. His smile is inviting. Try to do the same with your kids: Greet them in the morning with a smile. Now, I hear you sighing! You’re thinking, “You don’t know my kid!” You’re right, I don’t. That’s why I chose the word try. Some mornings are going to be a bust! Some mornings, you’re going to crawl out of bed needing caffeine and chocolate just to survive. It’s okay. Just try to cultivate the habit of greeting your child in the morning with a smile. The same holds true when she returns from school. Sometimes it’s easier to smile when you drop her off, praising God that school is eight hours long. Take the opportunity to smile when she comes home as well. Your smile conveys, “I’m happy to see you!”
Excerpt Taken from How To Listen So Your Kids Will Talk.