Grace Has a Space in Hard Conversations with Lysa TerKeurst
A Note from Carol: Lysa TerKeurst is an amazing woman who has weathered storms, endured deep disappointment, and knows personally the raw emotion of heartbreak. And yet, she has maintained a vibrant faith and continues to encourage others to love the Lord and to treasure His Word. She is my guest this week on both “The Significant Women” Podcast and here on my blog. She has written a new book, “Good Boundaries and Goodbyes”. I pray that you will love Jesus more after you read her blog and that you will indeed discover joy for your journey.
“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” Colossians 4:6 ESV
Sometimes God's Word can feel like an impossible order, don't you think?
Take today's verse for example: Paul told us we are to let our words "always be gracious." The NIV actually reads "full of grace." Full of it. As in, not sometimes gracious. A full atmosphere of graciousness even when the conversations are hard.
And that's just about the moment when I admit I just want to lie down on the floor and loudly declare, "But I am not Jesus!" Ugh.
I don't know about you, but sometimes gracious speech seems impossible for me. When someone's hurtful words have landed like daggers in my heart, I want to defend myself. Maybe even attack back a bit. And point out how they're misunderstanding my intentions. Not offer them gracious words. And even my most enjoyable relationships have moments where this doesn't feel completely possible … Relationships are just messy.
I’ve been thinking about all of this as I’ve been on a recent journey of learning how to set and keep healthy boundaries in my relationships. It’s not easy. It’s hard to examine places of dysfunction, distress, distrust, and maybe even destruction within relationships with those you love.
When we’re in a difficult relationship or even a destructive one that isn’t sustainable, especially if addictions are involved, there does need to be a measure of grace and compassion. Because sometimes what is actually driving unhealthy behaviors in people is underlying shame or a lack of peace deep inside. Many times, it’s both.
What I’m not saying is that because of grace and compassion, we condone or enable their actions and stay in situations where there’s harm being done. But what I am saying is that, as we take a step back, we can consider having grace and compassion for whatever caused the original root of shame and chaos in their heart that then drove them to try to act and react in such unhealthy ways. We don’t want the hurt they’ve caused to make us betray who we really are. We aren’t cruel or mean-spirited, so we don’t want to bring any of that into our boundary setting.
I also want to have grace because I don’t have life so figured out that I never act and react in unhealthy ways. I have my own issues that I need to work on and work through with counseling. Learning to have grace and compassion appropriately, while still also having boundaries, continues to be one of my biggest lessons.
So, how can we really be gracious without excusing away hurtful behavior we're experiencing? Or avoiding honest conversations we need to have?
We can bring truth into an atmosphere of grace. We can express what needs to be expressed, set a boundary that needs to be set, say what needs to be said and stay completely committed to the reality of truth.
But we can also foster it all in an environment of grace that never dishonors the other person. We can tell the hard truth, but we don't have to say it in a harsh way.
This doesn’t mean we don’t say the hard things or set boundaries. It means we recognize we want conflict resolution instead of conflict escalation.
So, yes, Paul's words to the Colossians remind us that our words should be gracious. But He also adds a clarifier that our words should be "seasoned with salt" (Colossians 4:6). In rabbinic tradition, this phrase would have been associated with wisdom. Paul was reminding the Colossians they were called to be people filled with godly wisdom. He wanted their words, and ours, to represent Jesus. And in order to do this, we can follow His model to pursue both grace and truth together.
I don't know who puts grace to the test in your life or what conversations you need to be reminded to bring grace into. But I do know the Holy Spirit is willing to help us choose truth-filled words presented in a gracious way if only we will pause long enough and ask Him for help. Even as we have hard conversations, implement necessary boundaries and may our words reflect that we know Jesus, love Jesus and spend time with Jesus.
Father God, I want to pause for a moment and thank You for Your Son, Jesus. He could have held back His grace. But instead, He chose to pour out every single drop for me on the cross. So remind me that I give grace because I so desperately need it. Help me bring an attitude of grace into even the hardest of conversations. Give me wisdom in how to hold grace and truth together as I navigate difficult relationships in my life In Jesus' name, amen.
Lysa TerKeurst is president of Proverbs 31 Ministries and the author of more than twenty-five books, including her latest release Good Boundaries and Goodbyes, It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way, and the #1 New York Times bestsellers Forgiving What You Can’t Forget and Uninvited. She writes from her family’s farm table and lives in North Carolina. Connect with her at www.LysaTerKeurst.com or on social media @LysaTerKeurst.